Don’t worry about me, when there’s nothing left inside, I’ll stop.
Falling slowly;
Games that never amount to more than they’re meant will play themselves out/
Take this sinking boat and point it home/
Raise your hopeful voice;
Thoughts 2
Been 5months since I enlisted. Many things have ran through me. Family, friends, girls, idiots, everything that u can think of. It hasnt been easy, honestly. Everybody just keep telling me that you should not let all these things bother you, lead the life of a 19yr old and not a 29yr old, things like that. But it’s not like I want to purposely make myself out to be so damn bloody matured to impress people. All those things that I’ve said and done, they were all genuine concerns that I couldn’t stop from flowing into me, and even if I could I wouldn’t. It’s just me. But well people don’t understand, they think it’s called wayang, suck up, angkat or whatever, so fuck it. I figured that I had two choices; to fuck care those idiots and do what I think is right, or to blend into them and restrain myself. Turns out I chose the former, because I wasn’t willing to portray a side of me that isn’t genuinely me to people who deserves me to be genuine to.
But at the same time, that is also precisely why I find myself lonely on many occasions. Not that I’m anti-social and I hide in a corner, but it’s very hard for me to mingle with people of my age, cuz I simply dont know how to be like them. I wouldn’t know how to enjoy myself at a club, I have never patronised a pub. Sigh. This is how lifeless I can get.
Thoughts
Been watching 海派甜心again. Every time I watched it, it brings me a feeling of nostalgia, don’t know why. It’s not like I had a similar relationship like theirs, nor was it because I felt very touched. It was more of the scenes in it, which made me feel that there were times in my life that things like those happened to me as well.
Then I began wondering, why did I do all that nonsense? Not that it’s not logical, but why did I do it when I don’t even have the courage to confess again to her? Happened twice, hurt badly both times. This period of time, me and ws got close together, well at least I felt so, we were practically having lunch every now and then together, she would come down all the way from potong pasir, where sajc was, then we would have lunch at the commonwealth long John silver, then I would send her home and then rush back to sch for trg. It was like the most blissful day of my life to have someone whom I liked so much to accompany me for lunch and to be able to send her home after that. We would also meet up every Sunday morning at jurong point library to study, have Prata at the cafeteria there, and then I’d send her home. Things were so great back then, I couldn’t believe we went through all that looking back. I thought we wouldn’t drift apart. But it didn’t occur to me to initiate to move one step closer. Because I was afraid. I feared rejection. I was a coward. I didn’t dare to tell her that I still liked her like I did from the first day of orientation. Ppl told me it was infatuation, but could it have lasted 4yrs long? I don’t know. :/ it hurts me a lot to see her with someone else now. But I’m truly glad from the bottom of my heart, that she is happy and he loves her as much as she loves him. Wilson, you’re an idiot. Screw u for being a coward.
Now here’s the bigger one. She might not have known, but I crushed on Rachel since primary 6. Yea it sounds Abit of a puppy love, but it’s true. From the times that we would stay back to help teachers with their pe lessons and waited for her parents to fetch her before I went home, until playing basketball together every week below our blocks and sending her home in sec 2. Everything was fine. Until confession. That was when my world fell apart. I actually confessed to her 3times that year, yes 3times, and I got rejected every time. I’m not saying it was her fault, she was innocent. She was just following her heart. It’s just that my heart was the victim. It took me 2 tough years to build back that same bonding we had back then.
Then her birthday came. I ordered a cake for her, and brought it back home first. Who would have known it rained cats and dogs that bloody day. Then I ran through the rain, took the cake from my house, and ran back to sch again. And I met her on my way in. I held the cake in my right hand, stood in front of her like a idiot who can’t speak. The only word I heard from her was, wow. I never got to know whether she was touched by it. But after that, we began to drift apart. So I guess it went the wrong way. And once again, I was left there, heartbroken and alone.
Then when we graduated, we went on with our individual lives. I would text her occasionally, in the name of concern but actually becoz I missed her, and she would give me those short replies, which I thought was her way of making sure we had a gap in between us. Then I got to know thru the hardest way that she was attached. I saw her and her bf in Clementi, holding hands. I was stunned for 2mins at the atm. Then I thought that, sigh so long as she’s happy i’ll be fine with it. Months later they broke up, and apparently she was very hurt. All I could do, or dared to do, was to comfort her thru text. Useless. Then after a while, she got into a tough relationship with another friend of ours. Again. all I could do was to tell her to stay strong. But I didnt dare to tell her I still liked her like I did. Coward. Yes that’s what I am.
